AD FOR SOLDIERS

An ad in a shop dealing in Valentine cards ran as follows:

“Valentine Cards Reading “I Love Only You” For Soldiers Now Available in Multi-Packs of Six”.

 

The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters

The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters. In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes. Sometime later the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow. His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon. He told his Syrian guest, “Take anything you want – our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles.” “No, no – you don’t understand!” the Syrian replied. “Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!”

To Beat a Dead Horse

Dakota Tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. A recently declassified Pentagon document indicates that people in the Pentagon try other strategies. Specifically there are 22 separate and distinct strategies that people in the Pentagon try when they discover they are riding a dead horse:

1. Buy a stronger whip.

2. Change riders.

JUMPING WITH PARACHUTES

The tough, rough soldier from a backwoods country had just been assigned to the paratroops at his own request. His sergeant warned him: “It’s a tough duty and you’ve got to do a lot of dangerous jumping!”

“I know that, sergeant. What height are we all supposed to jump from?”

“Five hundred feet,” the sergeant replied.

“Nothing doing, sergeant,” the soldier said. “It’s too high. Can’t you all make it three hundred feet?”

NOT A BIG MOUTH

A st asked a GI at a bar: “Are there many soldiers like you in your division?”

“What kind of questions you’re asking?” the GI exclaimed with menacing looks. “Do you think a GI doesn’t know about keeping military secrets and may blurb out to any st that there are 15,000 men in the division?”

 

Getting Out

Sergeant asked the corporal, “Well, I guess you’re one of the guys that will be happy to see me go? And I guess you’ll be one of the guys who come will come by and piss on my grave when I’m gone.” The corporal said, “Not me Sarge! When I get out of this man’s Army, I’ll never stand in line again!”

 

The Wong Recruit

A Chinese named Wong enlists in the Army and while in boot camp, his sergeant realizes he is one of the dumbest enlistees he has ever seen. The sergeant tries as hard as he can but he can’t seem to figure out what to do with him.

One day, he decides to send Wong over to guard the Supply Depot. The sergeant reasons that even a dimwit like Wong can handle the simple task

The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broke into a store

The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broke into a store. At the scene, the cop told the Marines to “cover” him as he approched the store (to police, “cover” means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!). The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting. The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, “They’re shooting at me!”.

 

NO FUTURE IN IT

The flying instructor told a recruit: “Yeah, the only flying job you’re fit in the Air Force is that of an observer in a pilotless plane.”

 

Stamps

After seeing to it that Italy’s trains ran on time, Mussolini was feeling proud enough to order the government printing office to issue a stamp featuring his likeness. Much to his dismay, however, postal workers began complaining that the stamps were falling off the envelopes. Every day, layers of the stamps filled the bottoms of their carrier bags.

Mussolini rushed to the printer and demanded to know why the highest grade of glue hadn’t been used on his stamps. “But it was, il Duce!” the horrified manager insisted. “We’ve looked into this unfortunate situation, and the problem is that people are spitting on the wrong side!”

from “Kilroy Was Here: The Best American Humor from World War II” by Charles Osgood