Out of step – Military jokes and military humor blog

During the Gulf War at a port in Saudi Arabia, tensions were high after a credible witness reported seeing suspicious divers exiting the water, then suddenly re-enter when spotted. Coast Guard Port Security Unit patrol boats were in the area at the time and aggressively searched for divers, bubbles, suspicious

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. Don’t be irreplaceable; if [...]

Drill Sergeant: “I don’t care WHO your daddy… oh, carry on, sir.”
He’s the first soldier allowed to “telecombat.”
“Drop and give me fifty! Push-ups or dollars, whichever you prefer!”
Monday 0800 hours: 16 mile hikes with full packs.
Him: stay in bed, eat bon-bons and watch The View, then escort General’s teenage daughter Crystal

A platoon commander says to the troops.
- Whoever calls the chief of staff a pig one more time will be assigned to his personal pigsty to pick up his dung.

Junior was home on leave after some time in the Army.
“Well, son, how do you like the Army?” asked his dad.
“Oh, it ain’t bad,” said Junior, “but I think there’s too much drillin’ and fussin’ around between meals.”

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if after the divorce you still call your x-wife “Cuz”.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if Daddy has a bowling machine in the kitchen.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if the Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.
You may be a ‘Redneck

- Ask your observer if he wants to race.
- Wear a diaper.
- Urinate all over the outside of the cup, and then refuse to wash your hands with anything accept antibacterial soap.
- Inquire about a “take home cup.”
- Get your privates stuck in your zipper.
- After four-and-a-half hours

Another man about to be drafted protested: “I’m not fit for service!”
“Why?”
“I’m near-sighted. Once I bought the Pacific ocean because I thought it was a swimming pool!”

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal:
“Change your course ten degrees east.”
The light signals back: “Change yours, ten degreswest.”
Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a Navy captain! Change yourcourse, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,”

Enlistment officer to recruit: “And another advantage in making a
career of the Army is that you avoid the constant worry of being called-up
into the service.”