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Militia Leadership:
'Commander' - Whoever starts the unit.
'Second in Command' - His best friend or closest relative.
'Auxiliary Commander' - His wife or mom.
'Intelligence Chief' - The guy with a police scanner and his mom's email account.
'Informant' - the first one of us who gets caught doing anything illegal.
Militia Rank Structure:
'General' - Militia Commander (Number of stars on hat reflect size of head.)
'Colonel' - His best friend.
'Major' - Wives, moms, friends and whoever lets you use their property to 'train.'
'Captain' - New guy.
'Officer' - Guy who pulls you over for having no tags on your truck.
'Private' - Highest rank actually attained by commander before being kicked out of the real military.
Militia Command sizes:
'Battalion' - A Militia Unit with 3-5 guys who show up for every meeting.
'Brigade' - Unit with more than 6 guys.
'Division' - Harder than subtraction but easier than algebra.
'Company' - Place where we order our militia stuff.
'Platoon' - Movie about Vietnam which gives us 'flashbacks,' (even though we were in high school at the time.)
'Squad' - Guys in the ambulance who come out when one of us falls or accidentally shoots someone during training.
Militia Unit Specialties and Capabilities:
'Internet Militia' - Number unknown. Source for secret information the government does not want anyone to know. Capable of sending mean faxes, SPAM and flaming email when provoked. (USCMike, PMIL, EAGLEFLT, etc.)
'Mail Order Militia' (MOM) - Numbering in the dozens. Most often seen on television news wearing home made uniforms with awards and patches for wars we never fought in. Capable of newsletter creation, mean faxes, SPAM and creation of tons of 'documentation' when provoked. (Militia of Montana, Baker Brigade, Cooper's Continental Army)
'Shortwave Radio Militia' - About a half dozen active. Specialize in selling books, videos, gold, silver and canned food while begging for donations so we can 'keep getting the truth out.' Capable of basically embarrassing themselves when provoked. (Mark Koernke, Bo Gritz, Bill Cooper, etc.)
'State Militia' - Sometimes as many as 20 guys per state. Capable of enhancing careers of federal agents and infighting like schoolgirls when provoked.
Militia Terminology:
'Militia Headquarters' - Mom's basement, garage or the trailer of whoever has the fax machine.
'Enemy' - NWO, UN and other militia leaders who lie about me.
'Full auto' - Three in front seat, four in back, militia stuff in trunk.
'Operation' - Stuff the doctor does after the squad takes you to the hospital for hurting yourself.
'New World Order' - Bar codes on beer cans, warnings on cigarette packs, cameras in K-mart and anything else we don't like or understand.
'Common Law Grand Jury' - Ten or more old people practicing law without a clue.
'Federal Agent' - Any militia commander who says anything bad about me.
'Global Conspiracy' - Why tornados target our trailers, why our sisters/wives have facial hair and why we only manage to make minimum wage (even though many of us have a GED.)
'U.N. Troops' - Foreign soldiers hidden everywhere, sent in by NWO to spy on the militia. Anyone wearing anything light blue in color.
'Leaderless Resistance' - Where we do something really stupid without any pre-planning or supervision.
'Training' - Cleaning guns while eating MRE's and watching the movie 'Red Dawn.'
'God, Guns and Guts' - Well, we've got guns.
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This is how the military works as related to me by a navyman.
First you got the Air Force that flys in and bombs the hill.
Next are the Marines who charge the hill and kill anything that moves.
After that the Army comes in puts up the flag and stands there like they've done something special.
All the while, the Navy sits back and rules the world.
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A young soldier won an all expenses paid vacations to the Orient for 7 days, on a radio contest. He decided that he would spend each night with a different woman, even if he had to pay for it.
The day after his return he got up for duty and went to the latrine for some relief. Suddenly there was a serious burning pain in his groin area. He looked down to discover that his Johnson was multi-colored and swollen.
He rushed to the sick call. After the examination the doctor said " It looks bad, we will have to amputate your member." To which the young man responds "No way, I'm gonna get a second opinion."
However, after consulting 3 civilian doctors he got the same thing, amputation was the only way to cure this.
While fretting over the news, he hit upon an idea. Since he got this in China, why not go to a Chinese Doctor. He went found a Dr. Chin and told him what the other doctors had said. To which Dr. Chin replied “Those crazy American doctors, always wanting to perform unnecessary surgery. I have seen this many times and I can assure you that surgery will not be needed.”
Well that was the best news he had ever heard. He said, “So Doc how do we fix this?”
Dr. Chin relied, “Fix. Hell in 2, 3 days tops, that’s gonna fall off all by itself.”
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Jet pilots driving off the base see this sign at the gate: "ENTERING DANGER AREA. PUBLIC HIGHWAY. GOOD LUCK!"
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The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."
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Out of step - Military jokes and military humor blog.
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