The Firing Squad A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad for his crimes. The evening before his execution, he was asked what he wanted for his last meal. He refused the meal completely. The next morning the man was brought before the firing squad. When asked for his last request, the man said he had none. The General in charge of his execution asked him, ''Sir, you refused your last meal and your last request. Isn't there anything you want before you die?'' The man thought for a moment....
BACKWARD PROGRESS Private Edwards, who had determined not to be late from his leave this time, boarded the train sharp on the dot of the hour to arrive on time to the barracks where, he was sure, the sergeant was already waiting with a big watch to expose latecomers. The station clock shows 23.00. When the train stops at the next station the station clock shows 23.05. The third station clock shows 23.10. The fourth 23.20....
SEA YARN The old mariner was spinning a yarn. "Yes, for three days and nights we worked at the pumps, and still the water gains on us. At last we gave up the hopeless struggle. There we was-sinkin', sinkin', expecting to perish every 'art a minute. It was horful time, believe me. Suddenlike we feels the vessel arising up through the water. She riz til her keel was a'most out o'water, and we rides into port right on top o'the waves. We was saved! What happened was, they had some yeast prepared to bake bread in the galley, and then the water reached it, it rose and rose, till fairly lifted up the ship!"...
What Happened to Them? ::: Military humor and jokes...
NO PRESUMPTION Private Smith was brought before the Provost Marshal. The Provost Marshal asked the MP: "So you presume the man was driving when drunk?"...
PROFESSIONAL BOLO A VIP was on a visit to a school of snipers for Ranger units....
WHO BRINGS ILL LUCK? Mrs. Jenkins, the wife of a pilot, told her friend: "My husband is terribly superstitious. He's been trying for weeks to get rid of our black cat. He took him up in his plane. He said he would fly to a record height of 90,000 feet and drop the cat over the side."...
Brag about parents An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat....
Russian milirary humor An american commando school. A sergeant gives a lecture about the russian military:
"The Russians have infantry. One doughboy can kill three of you! They have sky army. One of them can kill five of you! And they have a super special unit called a building battalion. They are real animals. They ain't even given weapon." ...
Commanding the dumb As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out." ...
MASCOT DOG "Why does your dog wag its tail only up and down?...
MILITARY INTEREST A group of civilian visitors was shown around the operations room of a missile unit during an open house demonstration. After a proud display of the latest in most sophisticated in war paraphernalia the officer guide asked: "I see, ladies and gentlemen, all of you are greatly interested in modern military matters. Have you any questions?"...
PURPOSEFUL CAMOUFLAGE At a vehicle inspection the commander asked Private Grieves: "Why did you paint your vehicle blue and white, and not as the unit engineer instructed. Is yours the right camouflage pattern for Army vehicles?"...
DETERMINATION OF NUMBERS At a class of Rangers training the instructor told the students: "A good Ranger is always attentive to everything around him - people and animals. He should be able to identify animals by sound and even determine how many of them are there in an area. Now let's have an exercise. I'll hide in those bushes and give you a sound. Listen!"...
Daddy is going to war The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred during the war....
The Fighter Pilot An Air Force Fighter Pilot - dressed to kill in his dress blues - went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the captain and asked him, "Are you a real fighter pilot?"
To which he replied, "Well, I fly F-16s every single day of the week, so I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. I get up in the morning thinking of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV - everything makes me think of women."
A short while later she left, and the fighter pilot ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real fighter pilot?"
"I always thought I was," he answered, "but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."...
Keep the Noise Down Tower: Eagle 08, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.
Pilot: Roger, but we are at 35.000 feet, how much noise can we make up here ?
Tower: Sir, have you ever heard the noise an F-15 makes when it hits a 727? ...
Screw ::: Military humor and jokes...
Russian milirary humor General calls by phone to colonel at 03:00am:
- Do you have some smart majors?
- Yes, Sir!
- Send them to my home urgently. I have to displace a piano. ...
INTERPRETATION OF ARMY SLANG Mother of a son serving in an Army unit told her neighbor, "I wrote to the commander of the unit where my son was and asked him what he thought of Jim."...
AS BIG AS LIFE
(Folklore tale) The chief mate of an old wind jammer was on the quarterdeck peering through the telescope at the horizon when he was approached by the galley boy who asked him what he was looking at....
KEEP HER STEADY The officer saw a sailor weaving down the sidewalk and followed him. Every time he came to a lamp post, the drunk who was obviously 'three sheets in the wind' (as the old naval phrase goes), staggered slowly around it in the street and then back to the sidewalk....
Russian and American submarines German fisherman was at the sea with a small boat. After some time American submarine surfaced near him. The captain asked the fisherman: "Have You seen any Russian submarines lately?"
"Yes, I have, they went to north-east", the fisherman replied. ...
The People Watcher Among the crowd about to pass through the boarding gate at Houston Intercontinental Airport were a sailor and a girl kissing. Others were kissing, and no one paid any attention - except an idle people watcher who noted that neither the girl nor the sailor got on that plane. They simply walked over to another gate and kissed some more. ...
ZERO LEVEL FLIGHT A bomber was flying serenely through the air at about 4,000 feet up (as indicated), when suddenly four soldiers bounced directly into the pilot's line of vision....
Ode to old soldier Now that your nookie days are over and your pilot light is out, what used to be your sex appeal is now your water spout! Time was when, of it's own accord, from your trousers it would spring, but now you've got a full time job to find the blasted thing!
It used to be embarrassing the way it would behave, every single morning it would stand up and watch you shave!
Now as old age approaches, it sure gives you the blues to see it hang it's little head and watch you tie your shoes. ...
MARCHING LOVER "Why, I do love some moments in Army life!" exclaimed a new Army enlistee....
Digging foxholes for pending war games A group of soldiers began digging foxholes for pending war games. Two privates working side by side dug their holes to standard depth....
Russian milirary humor General in front of the line:
- If you are so dumb that you can't remember the orders of your commanders you should have notebooks and write them down there, like I do! ...
SPELLING AND WEAPON DESIGN Little son asked his father who was a war vet: "Daddy, how do you spell the word 'barrel'-with one or double 'r'?"...
SPARE PARTS A pilot made a crash-landing on a strange airfield. He asked an erk: "Where do I go for spare parts and replacements?"...

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