Dear Oakley Sunglasses Manufacturer,
I am writing you for several reasons.....
1. I am out to sea and I am bored.
2. I am hoping that you send me lots of free stuff.
3. I have a pair of Oakley Frogskins Sunglasses.
I bought me a pair of your sunglasses a while back. The fake tortise shell colored
plain frogskins. They worked as advertised. That is they made everything darker
which is the purpose of sunglasses as near as I can tell.
And this is not the first pair of your sunglasses I have purchased. I usually
have them last about three months before I lose them. My wife has threratened
to pop rivit the damn things to my skull if I lose another pair.
As I imagine this could be quite painful, I have taken care to keep up with
this pair. (My wife is a redhead, I think she would really do it too) I have
had this pair for about nine months. They were a birthday present from my wife.
I have not wore them more than a couple of times in the last six months. Here
is the reason why.
I am 35 years old and I have a son who just turned 13. I took my family to go
see a concert. Because it was dark in the auditorium I took my sunglasses off
and put them in my shirt pocket. (my wife was making fun of me for trying to
suck my gut in, wearing my shades indoors, and trying to look cool in front
of all the 18 year old females) After the show, as we were leaving the Auditorium,
My son starts lipping off as only a 12 year old can. It was dark outside and
the little heathen child of mine dared to suggest that his dad was old and fat.
Then he started running toward the truck. Just to prove to him that his dad
was still a studly sumbitch, I started racing him. As I was motivating my 6'7"
265 pound frame past his young impertinent ass, my Oakley Frogskins bounced
out of my shirt pocket! As they landed on the ground, I stepped on them with
my size 13 Cowboy Boot. Of course this meant that I had to abandon the race.
I DID NOT LOSE NO MATTER WHAT THE DAMN KID SAYS! I HAD TO STOP TO GET MY SUN
GLASSES!
Here is the cool part. The damned glasses didn't break! But the lenses got scratched
all to hell. When I wear them I feel like I have cataracts and need a cornea
transplant. But I do still wear them. Especially when it's really bright outside.
I have to be really careful when I am driving because I can't see worth a damn.
But it gives going to the grocery store a whole new thrill.
I am writing you to ask if I can get replacement lenses for my frogskins. Everytime
I mention buying a new pair to the wife, she gets the Pop Rivit gun out and
starts making threatening gestures.
If you can find it in your heart to send me a replacement set of Frogskin lenses
I would be truely grateful. Hell, I'll pay ya for 'em. If you should decide
to send me a free pair of each style and color of the Frogskins I would probably
put you on my Christmas card list. There is no higher honor.
I have a couple of questions for you......
1. What is this Thermo Nuclear Protection stuff? What idiot did you get to test
that out? "Jimmy, You stand right here and we are gonna explode this bigass
bomb right over yonder. Now we expect that yer entire body is gonna get vaporised.
All except fer yer eyeballs. See, yer wearing Oakleys and they got that Thermonuclear
Protection stuff".
2. Who is Oakley?