IF I WERE

The driver had been on his back under his truck for a long time, trying hard, but to no avail, to revive the motor. Then he climbed out and reported to the sergeant: "If I were a cavalryman I'd shoot that horse!"...
NAUTICAL LINGO

An ensign on sea duty for the first time overheard a recruit say he was going 'downstairs'.

"Listen, sailor," he snarled. "Downstairs is below. That side is starboard. That's aft and that's portside. And if I hear you say one more civilian word like that I'll throw you through that little round hole window over there!"...
BAD BROTH

Two ship-wrecked cooks were washed ashore and captured by a band of hungry cannibals. The cannibal cook appraised the victims and said to his cannibal chief: "Shall I stew both cooks?"

"Better not, one is enough," said the chief. "Too many cooks spoil the broth." ...
DOWN-GRADED

A young seaman was brought sharply awake by a general quarters drill first night at sea. He dashed to his battle station before he realized that he failed to dress in anything.

He and his crew at battle stations were subjected to the captain's inspection.

"Out of uniform," barked the skipper. The chief recorded the captain's remark as 'No life jacket'. ...
THAT'S WHY!

The command 'mount' was sounded off. All men jumped into trucks of the column.

"What a long column!" one soldier commented.

"Why," replied another, "it all seems so because of the last vehicles." ...
 STILL A SHOT IN THE LOCKER

An Army recruiter delivered a windy pep talk to encourage a group of college students to join the VOLAR. But the culminating point of his oration was greeted with cat calls, whistles and projection of rotten eggs and an assortment .of no less rotten vegetables and fruits.

A visitor asked a student: "Why you throw tomatoes at the man and now you are applauding him?"

"We want an encore. I still have some tomatoes left!" explained the student. ...
NAVAL EXPRESSIONS A sailor remarked: "If this storm keeps up we'll have to heave to."

A lady passenger who was sea-sick cried: wnai an uncouth way of putting it." ...
IN THE KNOW

A Navy enlistee asked a man at the port about the location of his ship to which he was assigned.

"Hmm... let's see. I think it's over at Pier Eleven, Slip Two, Berth Forty-Six, outboard of Muhangarung County, wliich is over by the Cru Des Piers, next to C-in-C Lant Fit ... or is it ServLant?" ...
BEST DIRECTION A car driver took notice of a soldier hitching a hike.

"Where are you going, boy," he asked.

"To the barracks, sir."

"Sorry, but I'm going in the opposite direction"

"So much the better!" agreed the soldier. ...
BLINK A vet asked the parents what their son wrote from the Army.

"He says life is enjoyable there, food is well-balanced - every bean weighs the same. He sleeps in a comfortable bed."

"Yes," commented the vet, "that sounds as a lot of bunk." ...
IF HE HAD Pilot was asked: "What should you do if you had wings behind your back?"

"In the first place I would sell my plane," he replied. ...
GETTING WINGS When hearing that a flying tank was under development Sergeant John McMurray remarked: "Until now, we were of the impression that tank crews were sure to get wings only dying, in battles." ...
PERSONNEL DEMANDS A recruiting poster said: "VOLAR Needs L. S. M. F. T. Men!"

A boy asked the recruiting officer what was meant by this.

"All men will do: long, short, medium, fat and thin." ...
JUST THE MAN Private Roberts reporting, sergeant," reported a rookie.

"Why, I didn't call you."

"It's that man over there," the rookie pointed out. "He told me to go to the devil. And I went straight to you." ...
COOPERATION IN METEOROLOGY A weatherman at an airfield was asked by another weatherman from a distant air station. "How is the weather in your place?"

"I dunno, Jack, so foggy I can't tell." ...
GAME RULES In the psychiatric ward of an Army hospital psycho VN war vets were playing a war game. A visitor saw that Private Henderson had been hit on the head with a club (representing a grenade).

"Why isn't he falling?" he inquired.

"I'm not supposed to," the private replied, "I'm inside a tank."...
RARE SCORE The sergeant saw the results of the shooting exercise fired by a soldier and commented: "Congrats, Howden. That's the first time anybody made a minus score on the rifle range."...
WRONG DECODING The commander of a force was surprised to learn that his force had been delivered many bags of sawdust. Investigation revealed that the QM wished to request beer under the code word 'sawdust'. But at the issuing end, the QM had been suddenly transferred and his successor took the request literally. The Force Signal Officer commented: "In message coding it's essential to have the right decoding table."...
LESS THAN HUMAN A VIP was visiting a naval ship. Arriving at the midshipmen's cabin (in which only four people could fit comfortably) the Captain informed the VIP that 30 midshipmen were quartered there.

"It is not possible that thirty people could fit in so small a piace," exclaimed the astonished VIP.

"Not thirty people, your excellence, "the Captain hastened to explain, "thirty midshipmen." ...
ALL AT SEA

A high-ranking officer about to board a ship was not recognized by the gangway sentry who shou-ted: "You can't land here."

"Some naval language!" commented the officer. "If I was to land here, I would go ashore."


SH-RULE

A Navy recruiting officer thus formulated the problem of making the recruit toe the line in the service: "He has to shape up in the Navy shipshape or ship out." ...
FASTER THAN BULLET A ballistics expert at a trial asked the witness: "So you affirm that the shot was fired from a distance of 10 feet only. How happens that it didn't hit the defendant?"

"He was so quick he managed to duck when the bullet was leaving the muzzle." ...
GENEROUS COLLECTION Sergeant Hoppkins found himself in hospital. He was visited by a soldier from his platoon: "Sarge, the men are all concerned about you. We took up a collection. We bought you this apple with the money." ...
PULL One telephone operator was in touch with another (at the other end of the wire).

"Hey, Jack, the CP is moving on. Will you loose off the wire at your CP. We won't have enough to reach the place and I'll give it a pull."...
SELF-JAMMING

An Army missile system was so sensitive to electronic interference that an enterprising artillery officer went to a nearby town and asked the taxicab company there, as a matter of national security, not to turn on their two-way radios for several days of field testing of the missile. ...
SAVING SPELLING A midget sailor fell into a bowl of alphabet soup in the galley and saved himself by throwing out an S.O.S. ...
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves--the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces.

The Admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like." ...
TWO ALTERNATIVES The COFS told his subordinates: "With my suggestions you have only two alternatives: 1) you can either back my position, 2) or do something stupid." ...
MASCOT FOR THE PROPER ARM OF THE SERVICE A sergeant entered a pet shop. "We need a talking parrot as a unit mascot."

"Talking parrots have been sold out," informed the salesman. "I see from your branch insignia you're from the signal unit?"

"Yes," replied the sergeant.

"Then I could suggest a wood pecker."

"Can the wood pecker talk?"

"In a way. He is very well qualified as a Morse code operator." ...
Veterans Day Mail ::: Military jokes and humor...
HE MEANT WELL A sentry bewildered by the many formalities of guard regulations, hailed his superior officers, while serving his sentry duty, with the challenge, "Halt! Look who's here!" ...
FEARLESS Little grandson asked: "Granddaddy, when you were in the Army and were posted as sentry at night, were you afraid?"

"I was, grand sonny, but only until I fell asleep." ...

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